I always feel most artistic when I let go of my normal, rational self. That person we try so hard to put on every day. The responsible one. When I get tired, when I'm most likely to make a rash decision, that's when I get the most creative. It's only then that it flows so well. I can listen to a song and really feel inspired. I can convey my thoughts seemingly more clearly, and with greater ease. Maybe my thoughts just aren't as censored when I reach that point of exhaustion. Often, I'll try to stay awake just to live in the moment. Almost like self-induced insomnia. What foolishness. I like seeing the world in a different light. I like not having to be completely rational. I've never seemed to fit the part anyways. Maybe I'm missing something here. I know when I get really into it, it's like I'm reliving that part of my late teen years that I miss more than anything. I was full of wonder and excitement at all the possible directions I could take my life. Living nostalgic in the moment and loving every minute of it. I miss feeling sad, or lonely, even depressed. It was feeling something, I haven't been able to really feel like that in a long time. Every time I get close, my chemicals regulate and I find that numb plane of existence that I've been living for far too long. Just to feel heartbroken would be such a release. I know I have the feelings trapped in me somewhere. It's as though they're trapped under this hard shell I've built inside me. The product of growing cold and hard to blend in with the surroundings.
So, what do I do with myself. Where do I go from here, and what do I do with this knowledge?