It hurts so much to search so hard for an answer that you want to hear, only to hear the answer you're looking for simply doesn't exist.

I always feel most artistic when I let go of my normal, rational self. That person we try so hard to put on every day. The responsible one. When I get tired, when I'm most likely to make a rash decision, that's when I get the most creative. It's only then that it flows so well. I can listen to a song and really feel inspired. I can convey my thoughts seemingly more clearly, and with greater ease. Maybe my thoughts just aren't as censored when I reach that point of exhaustion. Often, I'll try to stay awake just to live in the moment. Almost like self-induced insomnia. What foolishness. I like seeing the world in a different light. I like not having to be completely rational. I've never seemed to fit the part anyways. Maybe I'm missing something here. I know when I get really into it, it's like I'm reliving that part of my late teen years that I miss more than anything. I was full of wonder and excitement at all the possible directions I could take my life. Living nostalgic in the moment and loving every minute of it. I miss feeling sad, or lonely, even depressed. It was feeling something, I haven't been able to really feel like that in a long time. Every time I get close, my chemicals regulate and I find that numb plane of existence that I've been living for far too long. Just to feel heartbroken would be such a release. I know I have the feelings trapped in me somewhere. It's as though they're trapped under this hard shell I've built inside me. The product of growing cold and hard to blend in with the surroundings.
So, what do I do with myself. Where do I go from here, and what do I do with this knowledge?

Tell me, why do I bother re-befriending these people. It's apparent to me they've moved on with their lives. I don't know what I did to lose that weekend invite to join in with their social whatevers. Am I really that hard to get along with? Do I really say that many things wrong? I know both of these have been reasons other people have disliked me, but it normally happens to someone who just doesn't know me yet. These people have been good friends for years. I feel like I'm missing something. I hate that feeling.

I have grown very cold hearted
I have become very mean spirited
Then it may be true
That you are product of your surroundings
I never would have believed it
Ten years ago, when I had hope
Hope for everything
I had dreams, they felt so real
I had plans, they filled me with ambition
I had nostalgia, and that invincible feeling
Anything was possible
Life felt like an amazing journey
I do not know what one choice set this wrong
A series of events is most likely to blame
My life story
Just this series of events
Resulting in a cold hearted, bitter old man
He lives alone and carries much hatred
Hatred towards the world
Hatred towards the events of his life
However, far less is the hatred for these things
When compared to the hatred for himself
A man I sincerely do not wish to become
Yet still, every day I grow just a little closer
I watch myself slowly transform
Unsure if the result is reversible
Unsure if it is even possible
That this other person I've become
Could simply be banished
From body and soul
What has become of me?

Please, give me hope.